I should have been born in Cali..

sleepless nights..

2012-01-19T01:41:00.001-06:00

You know, life hurts sometimes. It sucks when you've dug yourself into a hole.. been doing some calculations in my head and I think its time to call the modding quits. I've hinted to it before, but its really time for me to get serious about my life and I'm only holding money in the car. Granted, I can't get rich off any parting out, but I know I'm going to need extra cash in the coming months.

I've been looking for someone to talk to over the last couple of weeks but haven't been able to find anyone. Life scares me.. the unknown of it all. Now, its worse than ever knowing that I'm getting close to 30 and have yet to accomplish anything or be able to stand on my own two feet. Sometimes, the weight of it all crushes me. I want to give everything I have to things, but I can't. Getting laid off almost 2yrs ago was a blessing and a curse, both at the same time. A blessing because it gave me the opportunity to do things I wanted to do since I got out of high school. A curse because I got lost in all that. I lost sight of what I really should have been doing. I've let my parents down and most importantly, I've let myself down.

Really.. what am I doing? I want to cry, but I can't! I'm too angry at myself. I haven't been sleeping much lately, mainly because of my fuck ups but because it seems to be haunting me in my dreams now. I sleep, but spend the night dreaming. The sad part is that its dreams of just daily life, whether its good or bad. All of it stemming from the amount of stress I've put myself into this past couple of weeks. I wish someone would hear me out but I know no one will. I've been here, done this, done that. I should know by now.

And so.. I stay up.. sitting in my room.. in my parents basement.. knowing full well where I went wrong and wishing I could go back and do it over.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-12T21:50:00.003-06:00

Sorry that I've been MIA.. the new year is here and well, its been an interesting start.

Partied a little too hard and spent the first day completely hung over. Phew! Honestly, I can't complain and I really shouldn't. Yes, I'm stressed out but it could be worse.. way worse. I was blessed with a part time job back in June and I've been able to prove that I'm willing to work and able to do more than just oil changes. With the new year here, and my unemployment done, I hope to get some more days and a little more money. There is where the stress comes in.. I don't have that money coming in, and now I'm making less than what I was making on unemployment.. It hurts. Coming from working full-time making some decent bank, to here is hard. It could be worse though.. I could have NO income coming in.

Word to the wise.. keep your credit cards in check. Unfortunately, they got a little much over my unemployed period. I'm struggling to get a footing. Of course, with always perfect timing, my car is having issues too.. surprise, surprise! And with everything piling up, I've spent a couple of quiet nights contemplating things.

School is a must.. I'm pretty certain auto mechanic will be what I chose to do. In the back of my mind, pharmaceutical is still telling me its the best choice. See.. this is the type of shit that needed to be clicking in high school, what the fuck happened?

I've also found myself spending money on unnecessary things again.. I'm thinking about selling a majority of my shoe collection. Most of them are just sitting there collecting dust. I could also use the money to pay off some of my debt.

Other than all that jazz.. things are on the up and up lol believe it or not..

ah yes.. the holidays..

2011-11-18T02:14:00.002-06:00

At first, I was a little upset that the stores started throwing up Christmas stuff before Halloween.. but now, I'm getting into the spirit. Can't say I'm thrilled to drop money on presents, but I am looking forward to the spirit of the holidays. We'll see how these go this year. Thanksgiving is already shaping up to be a iffy one haha

Oh.. Starbucks.. where's my egg nog latte??

#143

2011-10-28T02:17:00.002-05:00

Years ago, when I bought my '00 Civic, had you asked me if I thought it would be where its at now, I probably would have laughed at you. Yet, here we are.. automatic swapped out for manual, lowered on its second set of coilovers, on probably my 10th set of wheels..

Nothing is for certain for 2012.. there's a possibility that nothing will change or that it goes to stock and there's a possibility of it sitting on those Eurolines you can check out in the previous post. Who knows.. right now, nothing is for sure.

maybe..

2011-10-28T02:16:00.000-05:00

..just maybe..

..retrospective..

2011-10-26T03:28:00.002-05:00

Some days its hard not to regret where I'm at in life.. I look back and look over the path I've taken and ask myself why. I know why I made the decisions that have brought me here but was it worth it all, in the end? My priorities have been blurred since before I left high school. Even now, they aren't in order. A couple of things hit me over the last couple of days and an anxiety grew over me. I need to get my life in order, but like I have always been, I'm afraid of the things I give up in the process.

I'm scared of where life has yet to take me and where this path I chose is leading me to. I knew what I was doing when I was let go from Fantasy, but little did I know that not much progress would be made. There is this change I want to make but can't.. a change that would settle me into another chapter of my life.

You know, I always talk about this pursuit of happiness and here it is again. Things would have been different had I taken college seriously and forced myself through it. Right now, I could have had something going. Who's to know though, maybe I would have just had a paper and no actual career. None of that can be changed though, and so I'm forced to make due with the hand that I dealt myself. I know I need to get a job soon and I'll have to decide what path to take when I go back to school and I need to do this all sooner than later. I can't slack anymore.. but you want to know why I have? Fear of losing someone,something and having to put priorities in check.

Plain and simple, I can easily lose someone close to my heart by making myself too busy. I'm afraid of that, more than I originally thought. Along with that person, is that chance of losing something. That odd life that feels so.. comfortable.. and then there are priorities. I prided myself with being somewhat a step ahead in the car thing. Maybe its time to close this chapter, take a break, and open the new chapter once everything has settled?

Things would have been different had I made a different choice after I was let go from work but I made the choices I did and here I am. Where I go from here, I'm not too sure but I've put it off long enough.

Looking back at everything.. I think of how things could have been different and think of how my life would have changed had I done things differently. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things but I can't.

Time is Flyin'

2011-09-02T00:59:00.002-05:00

I find it crazy that its already September.. it truly feels like yesterday was the beginning of summer and now we're getting ready to say good bye. This summers been a good one, of course its had its downs but for the most part its been great.

Last summer was good, don't get me wrong, but it left me feeling incomplete.. there was a lot I wanted to accomplish that I didn't. This summer I set out to make sure that I did everything I wanted to and I think I've succeeded. Cars has been a big part of my life over the years and it was lacking last year, but this year I made the most of it.

Special thanks goes out to the WekSos crew for bringing WekFest to Chicago! I set out, a couple of years ago, to get my car into HIN only to have the show completely canceled. Along the way, there's been D1, RPM and a few others come through but it never felt like it was up to the caliber that HIN was. I almost didn't register for WekFest.. but then got the ok from Ill Garage to stage with them and I was accepted. There was so much more I wanted to do with my car but I quickly ran out of time and money was tight. Nevertheless, I'm happy with what I brought to the table.. I'm kind of sad I didn't get some more pictures but when I look at everything else in the show, I can't blame anyone.

One thing I do regret about WekFest is not having the time and strength to really check out the other cars. What I really like about car shows is that everyone cleans their cars the best they can and show off the little details that makes their cars theirs, but I showed up to the roll in with less the 4hrs of sleep. I also talked to a few people but not as much as I would have wanted.. that's what happens when you show, I guess, though..

So, looks like the holidays will be coming up quick and before we know it, we'll be doing this all over again. Honestly, I don't know what I really want to do with my car. Guess I should sit down and make a list.. there's two directions I could take the car in, or just get a new car completely. The thing I hate though, is that I don't feel like I've ever had the car in a complete state. I like the stance, but don't like the wheels.. I love the wheels but then the stance is off.. I like the look of this but then that's off.. I want to make sure I can be COMPLETELY happy with the car, then I'll be ready to let it go.

We'll see what happens.. I have a lot to look over and to figure out. There's more to my life then my car, and all of that needs attention too!

I really wish I would update this more often.. shits just been hectic though, so time is scarce sometimes. I don't even know who reads this still.. don't forget, you can find me on Twitter, Google+ and Facebook, I update those almost daily.

Damn

2011-08-14T13:00:00.002-05:00

I really can't believe its mid-August already.. this years really flying! Last time I checked, it was summer and Chicago was melting and now its colder and gloomy. I guess that's what brought this post.. times are changing and the winters coming up quick. I have this odd peace of mind right now, and I'm pretty relaxed about everything.

Had a late night talk with someone, brief moments of joy, brief moments of despair and some laughs.. that's a whole other post though, and I'll probably keep it to myself anyway.

Other than that, just been cramming shit to the last minute for WekFest. I have a ton of parts coming in this week and I also have a couple of little projects for it that I need to complete.

Wish me luck!

Reminisce

2011-07-20T16:12:00.002-05:00

So far the summers been pretty enjoyable.. not much in down side really. Its almost like a little bit of a throwback to a couple of years back. Last year, I spent a little more time than I would have liked away from home. In turn, I missed out on some car related stuff. Really though, I wasn't really feeling my car to begin with so it wasn't a huge deal. This year, I've finally made a wheel change to my car and that urge to go to meets and whatnot has come back again.

I've had a blast attending all these events so far and there is still plenty more to come. The cool part about this year is that I'm expanding my acquaintance base and not just trying to fit in.. I'm already in, I just meet new people and chill with those I've known for a couple of years.

Things are like the way they were before.. go out to a meet, stand and chill with the homies, and then later on move off to some other spot to chill some more and eat a little. Its the Chicago car scene.. whats boring to most, makes it all worth it for others. We don't stand around talking about my car can beat yours, we talk about much more. We all know each other on a personal level, not just what we have done to our cars.

This is the group that I fell into a couple of years back with the creation of JDM Chicago. A group that I can call my friends, even though I sometimes only see them at these events.

That's what I love about our lifestyle.. don't make the mistake to think that we all modify our cars and leave it at that, its much more than that.. we live and breathe this shit. Some of us, more than others but our lives revolve around this. Sure, we work to eat and have roofs over our heads, but we also work to make sure we can buy our next mod.. that's why i out up with my last job so long. It sucked but I needed the money to feed this addiction.

Things nowadays are moving a little slower than they used to but don't think I've lost interest. The appointment is set at Ill Garage to straight pipe my exhaust from the cat to the muffler. From there I'll need to roll the fenders and then I'm clear to level out my drop and space out my wheels..

Wekfest here I come!

Letting Go..

2011-06-12T06:05:00.002-05:00

I've been a strong believer of letting yourself completely go and letting the winds of life take you sometimes.. and even though I've done it myself, I still find myself trying to grasp onto something to hold onto and slow down the flow. Relationships are something that will forever haunt me till the day I die.. I will never really be able to let go and let life and love take me without hesitation.

I've found myself doubting things and trying to grasp onto something to slow it down.. but should I?

I don't know, I really don't because I can't read the situation! Maybe that's what keeps me coming back, the fact that its a situation that I haven't been in before. I can read people, I can read situations and determine whether I should proceed or not, but not this time. This time, this one is different.. and either shes very good at concealing her true intentions, or shes got me all figured out.

Either way, its an exciting, yet stressful situation..

And because I lied.. you were a 10 =)

Ah Yes.. Life..

2011-06-11T03:03:00.002-05:00

I once told someone, "its ok.. I enjoy the drive, it gives me time to think.."

I've done a decent amount of driving over the last couple of days, plenty of time to sort some things out in my head.. a couple of things are coming together for me, a nice change of pace. I started helping out at a shop, easing my way back into working. Feels pretty good having some sort of responsibility again. Don't get me wrong, having barely any responsibility and all that time and freedom is awesome, but at the same time I know I'm not getting anywhere by doing so.

Another welcome change is my car.. boy oh boy have I been tired of that fuckin 5zigen set up! I piss people off, but I really can't stand running the same wheels for too long. I get bored with things easily and that's shown up on my car with wheels. When I had to run the 5zigens again last year, it made the year feel like a waste. I rarely went out to meets and when I did, the car was a mess. I did buy wheels last year, but funds were tight and money for tires never made it to my wallet. This year, almost the same story but I decided to use plastic fantastic while I wait for the buyer of my 5zigens to fork over some money.

As stupid as it sounds, its relieved some stress.. seeing my car with those wheels made me depressed. I loved them and the look, but running the car like that for two years was never my intention. As much as I really enjoy the look now, its not meant for another year either. Next year, I'll try and change the look again..

Other than that, shits been decent. Life man, sometimes it hits you hard.. but it makes the chill times even better.

Tick Tock..

2011-05-22T20:54:00.002-05:00

To say I've had a lot on my mind is an understatement.. even at times of ease, my mind is racing with a million and one thoughts. I had anxiety coming into May.. like I've said before, it hasn't really been a good month for the last couple of years. Sure, my birthday is usually smiles and laughs but thats about it. May has been pretty rough on me before and I had a gut feeling that this year wasn't going to be different..

I honestly can't even write my thoughts down, because before one ends, another begins. I've always been a person that isn't very hopeful, I always seem to think of the worse and prepare for it. So with a recent change, my mind has quickly pumped out various worse case scenarios.

I'm at a point in my life, where I'm getting pretty lost with where I want to go.. I know what I want but I don't know what I need to achieve it. I sat down by myself a couple of days ago and reflected back on high school days and after.. I never had hopes and dreams, I just knew I wanted to be successful. But in what? Wanting to be successful is very broad!

With the issues with my unemployment lately, a lot of what if's have popped into my head about whats next.. what I want to do can't happen.. what I need to do, I don't want.. and in the end, it all comes down to one person. One person that has changed my life more than they'll ever know. I got a new perspective on a lot of things over the course of knowing and being with this person.

Right now, I should have already had some sort of direction, but I don't. I should have been able to move onto something else after being laid off, but I didn't. So now I'm here, at 26yrs of age, trying to figure out what I want out of everything. I talked about the pursuit of happiness once.. and with every day that ticks by, it becomes more evident each day that life is truly a pursuit of that happiness.

I want to live a simple life.. nothing extravagant, but comfortable. I've always dreamed about that. A small house, somewhere peaceful.. I can see it in my dreams, I can almost feel it. I know it won't happen though.. because it can't. You see.. that missing link isn't missing at all, its just not on the same page and might not ever be.

And then there are my parents.. one who wants me to be happy and another who wants me to be CEO of a company and live everyday making it rain hundreds when I walk. I love my parents but they've never been the people I could turn to in time of needing someone just to listen to me or that shoulder to cry on. Every major heartbreak, every major let down, every breakdown.. I've depended on friends and girlfriends.

My ultimate dream would be to move to Cali, open up a business and live life in a state thats warm all year round. Maybe one day.. but for now, I need to figure something out here before I can even possibly start planning such a major change. Right now, I just want a job that gives me enough freedom and free time to do what I want to do. I know I can't go through life without working.. I just wish I didn't have to stop doing everything I've been doing over the last year. I'm not ready to give it all up.. I'm not ready to give any of it up, especially not the one person that has taught me so much about living life..

Maybe one day, everything will click.. maybe everything will finally drop into its spot.. maybe..

Alone with my thoughts..

2011-05-21T05:59:00.002-05:00

Here I am, in my room, with the sun starting to come in through the window..

I have alot on my mind lately.. mainly, how did I get here and where am I going?

Maybe one day I'll figure everything out..

Untitled Thoughts..

2011-05-09T02:47:00.002-05:00

Had a blog post typed out.. but I don't know..

Ugh.. if you only knew how I felt and whats going on..

Its May..

2011-05-03T20:25:00.003-05:00

Usually shit starts to fall apart around this time of the year.. heres to hoping that its not the case this year! Honestly, I didn't dread this time of the year AS MUCH before but for the last two years its been pretty rough.

Today has been a pretty slow and boring day for me here at home.. it doesn't usually feel like it when its nice out but today was gloomy and cold again. (Its May, mother nature on vacation or something?) Of course, that means that shits been trickling through my head again.. I can't seem to keep myself busy enough to NOT do it today.

First thing I tried to do was distract myself with some Forza.. it worked for a little bit but then I decide to bust out an endurance race and holy shit my eyes were mad at me for it! I went out to eat at Culver's by my lonesome and that was cool for about an hour or so. I came back, test fitted my wheels and tried to repair my rear speakers. Both turned out to be troublesome.. the more and more I look at it, the less and less it looks like I'll be getting these wheels on and the speaker is pretty much toast.

What else is new? Ha! Nothing much really.. just the usual..

Fingers crossed 2011 goes easy on me here..

Words.. Part 2

2011-03-21T03:22:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you can't be afraid.. but then again you have to know when to take chances..

I'm a person that thrives on having others around me and that one special person that I want so desperately to be with me.. I crave love.. and as crazy as it sounds to some, I would rather go through my life with someone special to take in those moments. I went out with a girl for quite some time years ago. I thought that was it but at some point, something clicked in my head and something told me that it wasn't meant to be. Even after the break up, I didn't want it to end but I also knew it wasn't what I needed..

So what's different? Love is a powerful thing.. and I will never look down on it or hate it even if its not in my life. Its a beautiful thing when its working.. and thats what I want so badly in my life. At this point though, I feel like giving up and thinking I'm only meant to see it as a spectator..

You see.. I love this girl.. and as much as I want to give up sometimes, SOMETHING is stopping me from holding back. There is something there.. a voice in my head.. in my heart.. thats telling me not to give up.

So at what point do you stand up and say.. "you treat me like shit?"

I look around again and see a lot of love that honestly.. isn't that. Relationships aren't meant to lock anyone down or hold people back but to live life to the fullest and be able to be completely happy in the process. Its a thought process I have stuck to regardless of what has happened to me in the past and who's betrayed my trust. Never hold back because one day you will regret not doing so.. I cried for months after my ex left me, but after looking back, I gave it everything I could and never held anything back. And that's exactly how I feel today.. In the past year or so, I haven't held anything back. I've let myself be carried away by whatever wind decides to pick me up.. but it hurts to be on the other side of the stick.. the side that doesn't want that.. the one that thinks that everyone is exactly like the last one.

I'm not perfect.. but I can see things from my shoes and yours and I think that's whats helped me succeed in the things that I do. The only downfall with it has been my inability to look out for myself while I'm too busy worrying about the other.

And so.. I stood up..

Thoughts have been flying through my head all weekend.. and today I thought to myself "maybe you're over thinking all of this and its really no big deal.." and to a point, yes it really isn't a big deal but it hurts being lied to when I have never given you a reason to do so. I have never smothered you, have never harassed you about who/what/where, have never put you beneath me and called you names.. but don't think I'm weak, helpless and without a voice! So why not give up? That something.. the one thing I can't seem to put my finger on. Because through all the bullshit.. all the little things.. there are those moments where everything is in harmony.. from a simple kiss.. to a gift.. to everything in between..

I can't help but think of the reprocussions though.. and then fear kicks in again.. am I going to find myself back at the spot I was at after my last ex so soon? I don't want it to be but I'm not the only one involved in it all.

And so here I lay.. once again unable to fall asleep even though its close to four am again.. wondering whats going through her head..

*sigh*

Words..

2011-03-21T02:35:00.001-05:00

Stand up and be heard.. just be ready for the backfire sometimes..

..odd..

2011-03-19T04:43:00.002-05:00

Around this time last year I found myself in an interesting situation.. I was nearing the end of a long term position at work and was unexpectedly (kinda sorta) let go towards the end of April. I went from being on top of the world to be miserable again to being back near the top.. I barely slept. I had nightmares more than dreams. I felt like giving up. I was lost.

Over the course of the last year, I have been unemployed and enjoying the free time that I had been missing since high school. Along the way there has been ups and downs like always but for the most part, everything has been good. People always ask me how I've been and I usually respond with "I can't complain." Honestly, because I can't.. at that moment sometimes, sure, things could be better but why complain?

I hate complaining about my life.. especially to others.. I feel like I'm putting an unnecessary burden on them. Sometimes, in the end, its really not as bad as I make it seem like. Other times though.. I reach out to those who have been with me for years. I have very few people that I can truly open up to. Its scary when a simple voicemail can automatically let someone know that something might be wrong.

"Something was different in your voice.."

For that brief moment, prior to leaving that voicemail, I felt like running away but even in a place as big as Chicago if feels like sometimes you can't and even if you wanted to, traffic stops you at every turn. I'm torn.. confused about what I want.. confused about what I need. A friend once asked me, "do you really NEED to buy those sneakers?" Oddly enough, I've lived by those words ("do you really need that?") for the last year. Of course, it goes beyond material things..

Tonight.. I had fun with close friends.. something that I haven't done in some time. Sure, we go out and have fun but tonight was much needed. A distraction of an otherwise pretty hectic life we live.

Finally, the cruise on the 290 coming home.. I haven't felt like that in a long time. That need to just keep cruising. If I wasn't so tired, I would've continued on past my exit just to keep driving some more. Cruising with barely any traffic, the music set low and the moods perfect.

Yes, things are very different from last year. Some for the better and some for the worse. Its funny how sometimes we wish we can turn back the hands of time though.. there was that time last year where I felt everything was perfect and other times when I wish I could take a snap shot.. I wouldn't want to change anything (ok maybe a few) but I would love to relive some..

Tonight, I go to sleep with a lot on my mind.. thoughts rushing through my head like crazy but hopefully tomorrow (later) I'll wake up a little more at ease.

Tomorrow is a new day..

Ha..

2011-03-18T03:41:00.001-05:00

Its funny how sometimes I look through websites and blogs and think.. "damn! my life sure is boring compared to some people!"

Oh well, I guess..

So Yeah..

2011-02-07T23:34:00.002-06:00

Not much to update you all on really.. had plans on hitting up FL next month but it looks like I'll have to set those aside, I know someones mad at me for it, but what I can I do really? This year isn't going to be like previous years.. contrary to what I'm used to, guess a couple of things are just going to have to stay the same way they were before.

My car is usually the priority.. 5zigens are going and so are the parts from the swap. Hopefully with that, I can pick up some Koni Yellows and Ground Controls. Nothings wrong with my current set up, just wanna pick something new up.. as for the wheels, I guess the Konigs I bought last year will be what goes on next. I hate to do it but not much I can do at this point.

Wish I had some money to play with.. feels like I'm just getting by.. and it sucks..

..2011..

2011-01-04T15:28:00.001-06:00

Welcome to the new year.. although I can't complain too much about 2010, here's to hoping that 2011 is a good one, better than the last!

2011 started a little rocky at a point but things have picked up.. can't wait to see the fam and friends though haha

The Pursuit..

2010-12-20T23:31:00.003-06:00

I try.. Lord knows I try!

*sigh*

A year later and Kid Cudi is still on the playlist.. sometimes, I feel like breaking down and just dropping to my knees and giving up. I can't do it, I'm not strong like I thought. "But Erick, you're not doing what you should be.." I know.. I really do and to everyone that has told me and has tried to put me on the right path, please know that I am listening! I'm just.. I don't know.. fuckin' scared..

Scared to fail miserably and scared to lose things in the process. If I could take a snapshot of my life and continue to live in that moment, 2010 definitely has tons of those moments. Lately though, and I'm sure the holiday stress is helping, I just don't know. I feel some sort of truth in the pushing away and it scares me. Twenty-five years old and I'm scared!

You put so much effort into something and you try and make it work, but something just isn't right sometimes. Its not a worry about 'wasting' money.. or time.. or anything like that.. its the worry about putting in so much and in the end failing. I've failed before and till this day have not recovered. Ecks.. this ones for you man.. Yeah, I got over that last one 'quick', but the memory still haunts me man. That one time you brought it up, something in me clicked and I thought to myself "I really haven't completely ridden myself of that". I got over it or backed it up into the back of my mind out of necessity. On my priority list, other things were more important than that.. but its that single failure that has set the pace for everything since.

I'm afraid of enrolling in school again after struggling to finish up ONE class. I'm afraid of missing out on stuff because of school. I fucked up.. point blank.. I should have gone to college right after high school, I should have never worked full time because in the end I missed out on a lot and grew up in tons of ways but didn't in the parts that I wanted to. Now I have the chance, and have been doing all those things this yr but I don't want it to end.

But.. I know it has to.. but its that risk that I can't seem to get myself to take.

Its all this.. pursuit of happiness we're all in. I can't remember where but I want to say it was in the Will Smith movie of that name that he says that the pursuit of happiness is exactly that: a pursuit. That one can never really achieve true happiness, only pursue it. What if life is just one endless pursuit for it? What a thought huh? I just want to succeed in something.. the amount of pressure, though, is unreal. Both of my parents came to this country for one simple thing. "To make sure that you guys didn't have to go through the same things we went through." I feel like.. if I fail, they've failed. The longer I string it out, the more I feel like I've let them down and the more I feel like I can't recover.

Today's minor achievement, the completion of my auto to manual swap, gives me indirect hope. If I really, really put effort into getting something done, I can. Now, for those of you who have stumbled onto this blog recently, you're probably asking yourself "what the fuck? doing something that dumb gives you confidence?" It does.. because the entire process has really been six years in the making. Its something I've talked about since the day I brought the car home from Continental Honda. After all those years and finally getting my credit card to a manageable balance I pulled the trigger and starting picking up parts. Its the worst decision I could have made right after getting laid off. And so here we are.. six months after starting the process, its complete. Thank you to Bob and Brandon and RC Autoworks for doing the initial install and ALL the guys at Ill Garage for the finishing touches (I say all because at the end of the day, my car's issue was a mystery and all the guys crowded around my shitty D16Y8 to try and figure out the issue). Special thanks goes out to Armando for taking the time to really explain everything to me thoroughly! You didn't have to, but you did and for that I have to thank you. No joke, the world needs more people like you. The type of person that takes the time out of their day to explain things to others no matter what level they may be on or not. If we had teachers (and the resources) that did the same thing in our schools, we would be so much better off.

Who knows what 2011 really holds for me.. good things I hope.. good things..

Almost There.....

2010-12-15T23:07:00.002-06:00

2010 is quickly coming to a close and a new year is almost here. I really can't believe that its gone by so fast. Its true, you know.. time flies when you're having fun. This has been a pretty eventful year and 2011 seems to be lined up to be another one. I can't say that this year is ending on a note that I enjoy, there's a lot more things that I need to change.. Let me put it this year. I got more shit to fix than I did before. Mainly because I've let a lot of things just sort of go.

Not good.. some are pretty major but most of them aren't. Honestly, they're things I've said I would fix in the past but I get so "busy" that I just don't. I miss the old days and I miss having time to sit and take a breather. I thought I would get that once I got let go from work but that most definitely didn't happen. Instead, things got busier and things got more hectic. And that, kids, is how I ended up here.. with 2010 ending on the same or even worse cluttered mess it was when it first started.

I can't say it was a complete failure or waste of time. Some stuff has changed for the better and my outlook and attitude on life has changed quite a bit. If it weren't for the people in my life I don't think I would have been able to get to this place so soon.

Now.. for 2011, things ARE going to change, I've set into motion a couple of things that will have to change. I'm tired of thinking to myself "dude.. you're 25 years old, get with the fuckin' program already!"

I'll come back and post a goodbye 2010 post just like I did in 2009.. I know I don't update this as much as I used to and I don't really update it with anything good but thank you to all the people that come and go through this blog. I do see the visits going so I know people are reading from time to time. You guys must be bored! haha

I wonder.........

2010-11-16T01:06:00.002-06:00

I'm really starting to wonder why I'm doing this to myself.. especially with the heart ache that's been coming with it lately. Guess i was wrong with this one. I hate heart break.. it hurts.. just like it has in the past.

One day you'll realize what I was worth.. and I won't be around when you do.

Yup!

2010-10-18T17:13:00.002-05:00

It scares me that the holidays are right around the corner, no joke. I remember this time last year.. working my ass off, unhappy, not really sure what I was doing.. and this time around.. not working, very happy, and somewhat sure of what I'm going to do.

Honestly, alot has gone on over the last month but its so much to write down or even talk about sometimes. I'm happy with where I'm at and yeah things could be better but sometimes its better not to ask for too much more. I hope the rest of the year is just as great. For now, I'll continue to enjoy my free time and try and figure out what I'll be doing spring semester.

I got plans for my car mostly but obviously I gotta do something with school and whatnot.

Ah yes.. here comes the fall.

And on that note..

2010-08-22T04:23:00.002-05:00

Life just never seems to want to go my way.. Almost a year later and I still blast Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi. Yeah, I know I need to get my shit together but at the same time I want someone there too. And so here we are.. close to 9 months into the year and I'm right where I was before. Alone.. lost.. and somewhat hopeless. I want to be angry, I want to cry but I can't. I can't because I can't get angry and I can't cry over it all.

I can't seem to enjoy anything if I don't have someone there with me every step of the way.. it motivates me to better myself and to complete things. Alone, its like I know I'm going to fail. I have a big fear of failing and to know that I've gone this long without setting a path in life scares me. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. All I know is that I'm afraid of failing to do anything.

I don't want to be alone.. and it was around this time last year that I was really hopeless about it all. It sunk in that this was it.. I was going to be alone till the day I died. Then suddenly.. she came into my life. She changed everything.. I enjoyed the little things, something I had forgotten to do for awhile. I experienced new things and made new friends. And for once, in a long time, I felt the need to do something with myself.. to better myself.. something I can't seem to do without someone there with me.

And the weird thing is that friends tell me to better myself all the time, but it does little to nothing and I'm not sure why. I'll start it and quit.. but indirectly, someone by my side is what does it.

So.. here we are.. once again.. lost as to what to do. I thank all my friends, especially the ones that have been by my side since high school, for always being there for me. You guys are always there to pick me up when I fall.

For now, I guess I'll just try and stay busy again.. something I got really good at doing awhile ago but something I suck at doing nowadays. I get anxiety for some reason even when things are cool and I can't even sit through most tv shows before I have to go looking for something else to watch.. oh well..

2010 has been a great year with its huge ups! It hasn't been without its downs though, I just wish some of them hadn't happened. We'll see what the final stretch of '10 has in store.

August already? You gotta be kidding me!

2010-08-06T20:14:00.001-05:00

Yup.. 8 months into the year already. I can't believe it..

just breathe..

2010-07-27T04:17:00.002-05:00

I'm missing the peaceful nights in the boonies and that warm body next to me.. missing that someone.. I could go for a drive but what would that do really?

Not gonna lie, its nice to be home because I've missed my fam but I don't know.. wish she wasn't so far. People kept telling me, "Erick, just move out here and work here." I would love to, I really would. That type of living is something I've wanted for awhile. Its just something I haven't said much about because its weird. A city boy wanting to move to the sticks? Its usually the opposite. Things just have to settle down before I make a move like that, IF I make that sort of move.

I haven't given up on myself, but everything just seems so much easier to achieve out there. The fact that a house costs a little more than a used car is crazy to me.

And so.. for this night of thinking.. pay attention to the lyrics a little..

..RPM..

2010-07-11T16:55:00.002-05:00

And so.. I made it to RPM.. Not quite where I wanted my car to be but it felt like a little bit of an accomplishment. It could have been worse so atleast I made it to the show. There was quite a bit of work needed to be done but none of it was done because.. well.. its hard to continue to mod a car when you're not working. Maybe for Another Level, I'll get a few new things done to it but I won't be disappointed if I don't.

Other than RPM I been busy.. Things have been good, lots of good times with Stephanie especially when she was in Chicago. A little Chinatown, a little Michigan Avenue and a little Millennium Park. We also went to check out Toy Story 3 which was a nice addition to the Toy Story series.

Goes to show that sometimes I just need to slow down, take a breather and readjust.. I tend to freak out too quickly. Things work themselves out..

There are times..

2010-07-01T04:33:00.002-05:00

There are times when you can't help but reflect on a time when things were different.. I can't say I saw myself where I am right now a couple of years back. Its been a rough road, one filled with plenty of ups and downs and I know its not going to get any easier. The song I'm posting reminds me of a time way different. One of transition from the old to the new.. a time when I was ok, but still sad.. still lonely..

My mom bought me Mirror's Edge for Christmas 2yrs ago and the theme song stuck with me for awhile. Enter nerd moment for a bit, I remember beating the game on New Years Eve and this song playing and me reflecting on where I was. I had a job that I enjoyed still.. I was at home with the people I loved, my family, and we were making crabs with mushrooms. Things were good and yes there was plenty of room for improvement but I was ok. My parents were in the kitchen cooking and I was in the living room playing and Max was there with me. I still felt empty and I still felt kind of hurt from what had happened during the holidays years before.

Fast forward to this Christmas.. things were way different and I was falling for someone.. see the transition? I spent Christmas at home but things were different. I was spending it with the people I loved but there was a little bit of a distance this time. My brother was growing older and family time didn't mean the same as before and I was ready to stop being alone, not only for the holidays but throughout.

Now, here I am.. July 1st and things have shaped up to be interesting.. still alive.. still kickin.. a much stronger person, but still with holes in my armor that can easily be used to hurt me.

Its weird looking back at what has shaped me.. but I wouldn't be where I am at today if it weren't for the people and experiencing throughout my life.

And just like that..

2010-06-30T13:33:00.002-05:00

Ha honestly I haven't shed a tear in a long time.. I didn't miss the feeling nor do I like having a tear run down my cheek. My poor heart man.. just when I thought things were going great, I'm back on my knees with my head in my hands wondering why...

summer, summer, summertime..

2010-06-19T03:22:00.001-05:00

Summer has turned into a very eventful time this year.. took a road trip to Memphis, swung by Saint Louis and damn near drowned in a monsoon lol and the summer isn't over =)

Goodbye May..

2010-05-31T21:53:00.002-05:00

Hello June..

May has been a great month for me. Its probably been the best month I've had in the longest time. I finally got a few things settled so that I can enjoy some of my free time. I think its time to start looking into the school thing so I can have that set by the time the fall semester rolls around.

I turned 25 on the the 25th, quite an interesting feeling.. I'm not old but it just feels.. uh.. odd? Nothing I can do so oh well haha.

Other than that, a lot has gone on this May but I won't go into too much detail. I'll post some pics later maybe if I feel like it..

she brings a smile to my face..

2010-05-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

like you wouldn't believe..

..coastin'..

2010-05-23T23:03:00.002-05:00

Swap is semi finished.. still need a manual intake manifold. Waiting on my unemployment to kick in proper and then I'll figure out the school situation. Things are picking up, life is good =)

updates..

2010-05-04T19:37:00.002-05:00

Let's keep this brief yeah?

--Cars at the shop getting swapped..
--I got laid off/fired from my job last week
--Life is good.. no.. life, right now, is fuckin great!!!

stalkin' the highways of Chicago..

2010-04-25T22:57:00.002-05:00

I went out for a drive earlier.. just needed to get out for a bit and to clear my mind. I tried thinking of a route but pretty much ended up winging it and just driving. Its been awhile since I've driven so far and without too much traffic to mess up my calm drive.

I started off by hoping on the 90 heading towards Schaumburg. I thought about going down the 294 but opted to stay on the 90 for awhile longer. Then I hopped onto the 290 heading south. Unintentionally, I passed by Dave & Busters. Brought a smile to my face of a night, not too long ago.. I kept driving till I hit the 355 and took that to the 55. I was going to hit up the 294 back in but stayed on the 55 and got back on the 90/94.

It was a much needed drive, to stretch out a little after a weekend that wasn't too great. I think I over-stressed myself with car shit and a few other things that I ended up drinking a little too much Saturday night. I spent most of today recovering from it. I did, however, finally eat pho! I chilled at home for a bit but my mind started wandering again. Ugh, too much shit to worry about on the car while trying to spend as little as possible. We'll see what direction I take..

Bad part is that I'm not tired right now.. probably won't be able to sleep much tonight. I feel like taking a day off to just chill. I'm still waiting on RC to take my car, might take that day off whenever that is. I need one soon though.

..choices..

2010-04-25T18:50:00.002-05:00

I've hit a bit of a wall with my car.. do I pull the trigger and buy a new set of wheels and pretty much kill off my list of things I wanted to do to it this year or do I stick to the original game plan and forget about new wheels?

Not sure what to do..

a love letter..

2010-04-25T18:04:00.002-05:00

If I could tell you how I felt about you without scaring you, I would.

The feelings I had for you are still there. You still make my heart beat like its going to jump out of my chest and you still make me smile like no one else can. I miss you like you wouldn't believe. Our picture is still next to my television and the two open spots in the frame are still there. Maybe one day I can fill them with another one of us.

I miss all the good times we had and all the time we spent. I miss your kisses.. the kisses you reminded me of recently that made my heart beat even faster. I miss holding you at night even though you didn't really like that too much. I miss hearing your voice and I miss your smile. I miss your scent.. from time to time I catch it somewhere and I wish it was you. I miss the touch of your hand in mine. I miss you..

I can't get you out of my head.. I still think about you everyday. I want to see you but I know I can't. There are days I just want to drive out there and hug you but I know its not possible. I think about the day I'll see you again.. because I miss you..

I can't escape these feelings. They're with me everyday.. from the time I wake up till the time I go to sleep. Its like I'm walking around with a blindfold.. no one else matters, no girl can take your spot in my heart. I dreamed of meeting a girl like you before and when I did, it was better than I had imagined. But now you're not there like you used to be.

Still.. I can't put all of my feelings into words. Just like that one night after Christmas when you told me how you felt and I struggled to put everything into words. You make me feel like no one else has and I miss that feeling. I miss the feeling of not worrying or caring about anything else in the world.

I miss you.. and I wish you knew I how felt about you.

sigh

2010-04-19T11:04:00.002-05:00

Where to start.. I've had thoughts flying through my head all weekend. I haven't slept either because of it. Last night I got home after eating at Chi Cafe and I tried going to sleep but it wasn't happening. I've got things on my mind that I shouldn't have and I'm worrying about things I shouldn't be. Things were getting better but things have become foggy once again. I'm stuck over analyzing things again because this time, I don't know what's going on..

I've never questioned anything or anyone so much in my life.. I can't read this situation like I usually can. I'm lost as to what to do or what to say and I don't know anyones intentions and shit, I really don't know what mine are either. A part of me is saying forget about it, go with the flow and do me. Another part of me is saying its because something is still there, go with the flow and try to make things work. Yet, another part of me says the obvious.. I don't know what the fuck is going on and I probably won't know until I'm told straight out or when I'm getting hurt again.

There are very few constant people in my life.. I've lost trust in a lot of my close family and friends and have kept very few of them close. I've had an ex cheat on me after 6yrs of being together, I've been lead to believe something was there with someone else when "she could forget about me if she needed to", I've been lied to about how "perfect" my family really is, I've almost had the cops called on me by my mom, I've had a "brother" talk mad shit behind my back and try to tear a group apart. I can go on. For days.. so excuse me if I question your intentions and motives with a few tooth comb.

I dropped my guard again only to be hurt once I was way too deep in the deep end of the pool. It hurt a lot and still stings. I have no hate for the person though. As much as I tried at a point, I couldn't. I can't help but feel like I'm being led down that path again though.. live and learn right? My mind is telling me to stop and turn around but my heart is telling me to take the risk again.

I need a breather.. I really do..

..lost..

2010-04-18T04:23:00.002-05:00

Honestly.. in all honesty.. I don't know what I'm doing right now. Is lost even the right word for it at this point? Do you know when you start building a puzzle and you kind of wish you hadn't just dumped all the pieces onto the table without trying to maybe organize things a little bit? That's kind of how I feel right now and its not just about one or two things but about everything really..

April has been a kinder month to me than March was but things have turned a little murkier and confusing. Something I thought I had lost has come back into my life and I'm not quite sure why. I guess I'm just too afraid to question it though or should I even question it? I don't know.. that's something that I'm still figuring out at this point and it just confuses me more to think about it.

The car is coming along slowly.. all of the parts are with RC and I'm waiting on the call to bring my car in for the work. Once that's done, I can start to worry about so many other things for RPM. I thought I had a set of wheels lined up but the kid obviously doesn't want to sell them. I really do hate dealing with private sellers. I understand, you have a life outside of the part you're selling but atleast make an effort to stay on top of it you know.

Another update is that I finally got an iPod Touch.. I cringe at the fact that I have an Apple product sitting on my bed with me or even in my room to begin with. I've never been a fan of Apple so I was never in a hurry to buy an iPod. I got it as a gift from my dad which makes it even more weird because I wasn't expecting it and he has no reason to spend that type of money on me. I got home and jailbroke it right away haha

Tomorrow should be another boring Sunday, I'll probably sit on the couch all day once again. Maybe I'll try and make me way out to one of the meets happening around the city but we'll see.. preferably do something so I don't sit at home thinking all day again.

fuck man.. I'm burnt out..

2010-04-01T23:21:00.002-05:00

I start off April being completely burnt out.. looking forward to doing a whole lot of nothing this weekend to recover a bit. All this staying busy to keep the mind busy thing is really taking a toll on me. My mind is still everywhere.. school.. car.. girl.. work.. life.. drama.. fuck!

Only thing I got planned for this weekend is to get a hair cut!

Hopefully this month is better than March.. lets downs, more ups please.

Almost..

2010-03-29T23:38:00.003-05:00

After 5yrs of having my car, almost all of the parts are here to convert it into manual. Now I just have to give RC a call and see when they can squeeze me into their schedule. Saying that I'm excited is an understatement. I cannot begin to tell you how much I'm looking forward to this.. its an escape, the final piece of the puzzle that's been #143 and so much more.

And in some funny, odd sort of way.. a metaphor.. as someone hit it on the head earlier. I knew it was, but it was interesting hearing it from someone else.

I really can't believe I'm getting ready to do this..

I smile..

I let out a sigh of relief..

If you only knew..

Goodbye March..

2010-03-28T22:32:00.002-05:00

March has been a bitch of a month.. frankly, go fuck yourself March for the roller coaster ride you've given me.

I've clawed myself back up a bit this month atleast and have gotten over a funk a bit but I'm still out of it really. Things have gotten 'better' but still aren't 'better'. I want to thank everyone that's been there for me this month. There have been people that haven't had to help but they have and have gone out of their way to do so. There is so much going on under the main issue that its not even funny.. If you think, that I'm going crazy and losing my mind and sleep over one thing than you are mistaken..

Let me put this into perspective.. kids, take notes.. almost 7yrs ago, I graduated from high school. Since then, I haven't really accomplished anything. I start things and never finish. I've known this for a long time already, it hasn't been a secret.

I've been miserable for atleast a year. I stopped going to school because I knew I needed to get some perspective into what I really wanted to do but instead I completely shoved it aside and never really did anything about it. The holidays approached and I was still single. Being single around the holidays has been hard for me.. I go shopping and see couples being all lovey with each other and it was a bit of a slap sometimes. An old coworker gave me the advice once.. "stop looking.. you'll find someone when you least expect it." I had stopped.. at 24yrs old I had fallen into the mindset that I would live alone for a long, long time. Then.. someone came along and completely changed everything.. this Christmas and New Years have got to be the happiest holidays I've had in forever. Honestly, the holidays were a pain with my ex-gf simply because there was way too much running around and she would always stress me the fuck out. So, really, this was one of the best.

Since then.. things have changed.. I'm alone again and once again my issues have been laid out in front of me. People seem to fear change and fall into this comfort zone. I know.. because I've done in plenty of times but this time is different. I'm going to go ahead and embrace change and start making some soon. You're probably saying to yourself "great! he's going back to school right?" Yes I am but that is not priority number one. That is my car.. after 5yrs of having the car, it is finally getting converted to 5spd. Once that's done, then its on to figuring out what's up with school. Finally, I'll have to start looking for a new job.

Changes.. they're needed. You can't live your life in the same rut forever because you fear the unknown. What's the point of living life if you never do anything with it? Take a chance and do something different! Its taken me some time to realize it but now that I have I'm giddy with excitement. Sure, things are not where I want them to be and I'm missing something I had hoped to have in my life for some time but I gotta stay positive. Its not in my nature though, so I'm straying far out of my comfort zone but it makes things exciting. Do you know what you're missing out on? Take a look at things.. don't fall into a rut because you're afraid of change, of something different.. just don't.. you don't know what you're missing..

And so April is right around the corner and I'm looking forward to it. Things are going to start picking up some speed and I'll have to hold on. Hopefully its a better month than March ended up to be. This month just started on a bad note and really, its the end of the month and I'm still not fully recovered. Gotta stay positive though..

Stay positive..

..365.. Continued..

2010-03-22T00:52:00.004-05:00

Like This.. Like That..

2010-03-22T00:28:00.002-05:00

Everyday seems to be turning into a constant battle in my head. Why though? When the other person doesn't seem to give a shit about me? It hurts and for some reason I can't get over it. I do for brief periods of the day and then it rushes me again.

Its.. ugh.. I don't even fuckin' know anymore. Friends 'understand' but I can tell get frustrated with me over the sudden 'mood swings' and I know I'm getting to them. I try, God knows, that I try to cheer up and get over it but I just can't! No matter what I do during the day, to keep myself busy, it always finds a way into my head and starts to break me apart. I fuckin' hate it.

How I haven't broken down and cried my eyes out is beyond me at this point.. My dad is even trying to get me out of the house. Something is obvious if he's trying to help out his son. Obviously, I'm lost. I'm so lost in my life.. How the fuck did I get to this point?

A lot of people think I have a great relationship with my parents but I really don't. There have been times we've strained the relationship to the point of breaking. Especially with my dad.. me and him have never really gotten along and he's always been there but he's been a "figure it out yourself" type of person. And it just hit me that he's trying hard to help me right now and that scares me because if he can see something is wrong and thinks that I need the help to get up.. ugh.. then its obvious to everyone that I'm breaking down.

Man oh man.. ha ha ha.. God help me!

My Life Be Like..

2010-03-19T22:41:00.002-05:00

The past two weeks have been pretty rough on me. I've had a lot on my mind and frankly, it started getting to me this week. I honestly feel like I'm about to break. I'm trying to do so much at once that I'm stressing myself out beyond what I'm used to. I'm forcing a lot of change on myself to try and get over what was thrown in my path this year..

Seriously, go back to my blog posts before Thanksgiving and read from there.. watch the roller coaster I've been on since then. Not too many people seem to understand how much has been packed in the last few months. I went from being miserable to being on top of the world to the lowest point in my life all within that time frame.

And before you say, "really? that's it?" No, that's not all.. I'm so fed up with my daily routine that everyday I try and find something to change it. I'm stuck getting up at 6:20ish everyday, getting into work at 8 and leaving at 4:30 that it's starting to really get to me. On top of that, I KNOW I need to finish school but can't seem to find the motivation to do so. And then comes my car. I have so much I need/want to do to it for this year that I know I'll be cutting it close for Import Alliance. So factor in me pretty much losing someone I cared for deeply with ALL that other shit and then some and you kinda get where I'm at.

I'm losing my mind! There are days that my mind wanders into places that I don't want it going. I'm bringing up old memories for some reason, some old and a lot of recent ones. Its the recent ones that hurt the most, the ones that bring me down and make me want to run away. I swear, I would move just so I didn't have to see the places I've been. Everywhere I go, memories haunt me. I have no peace.. none.. my mind is in constant motion and I can't stop it.

If I could hit a reset button, I would.. it's gotten that bad. I really don't know how much longer I can take this, I really don't.

All I was able to accomplish this week was getting the ball rolling on my transmission swap. I dropped the deposit off earlier today with RC Autoworks and I'll be getting it done as soon as I'm able to piece the rest of the parts together. Actually, the funny thing is that I think I'll be able to scratch off most of the parts minus the transmission itself and the ECU by this weekend. I'll just have to see if Majestic Honda will sell me the parts I need, unlike the last time I tried ordering a front lip and they told me they couldn't ship it. These are smaller, but heavy so let's see what they say. It was funny walking back into that shop and Bob and Brandon remembering my name.. I knew right there I made the right choice by going to them to get this done.

Next week, depending on whether its their spring break or not, I'll hit up Wright to find out about my final classes and then I'll probably schedule an appointment with a counselor at Everest about taking some classes there. In between, I'll have to figure out what I'll be majoring in and where. Hopefully I can find a job as well. I think if I continue at this place much longer, I will shoot myself.. ugh..

Time to stop fearing change.. time to do.. 2010 started off great, turned to shit, but I'm going to make this MY fuckin' year.

The Times Now..

2010-03-16T01:16:00.003-05:00

I know I've said it over the years but its time now.. I hate the fact that I got so comfortable with my daily routine. It bores me and I'm not happy so why continue? Time for a change and we're going to start now.

This week, I'm definitely going to schedule my appointment at RC to get my transmission done. I'm also going to go in to Wright and figure out what I need to graduate or transfer out. I'll have to figure out when I'm able to go in to Everest for the pharmaceutical classes I want to take as well.

Gotta do it now.. its now or never. I need to better myself.. I need to make something out of myself..

Can I..?

2010-03-14T23:42:00.002-05:00

As most of you know, I've been having some rough times in life at the moment.. I thought I was ok, but I think I found out tonight how unready I was to continue on. Lame, I know, but damn it!

I tried doing nothing today, and unfortunately, my mind started wandering around again. I feel this void in me and it sucks, it really does. I tried filling it today by washing up the car and cruising but that only helps so much. I need to start putting things into action and I need to do it soon so that I can feel like I'm doing SOMETHING. At this point, ANYTHING.

I'm also thinking of selling off most of my sneaker collection. Obviously, I don't need all of them anymore.. It's not me anymore. I've been moving past that part of me. I think as soon as I get some money, I'm gonna go shopping for some new shirts. I mean shirts too, not tees. I need to restructure a few things and my style needs a bit of sprucing up. I'm not in high school anymore, I need to grow up a little.

Need to get this ball rollin..

cycle..

2010-03-14T18:56:00.004-05:00

Coastin'

2010-03-13T15:36:00.001-06:00

When life brings trouble
You can fight or run away
I have no struggle
Relax watch me float away
I´m coastin´
I´m coastin´ on a dream
I´m coastin´
This one´s for you and me

Not to set trip but my car jets west
As I drift over cliff
The sunset yes
It’s me and myself
I needed a rest
The windows down breathin´ deep in my chest
I used to feel hopeless
Now I feel so rare
Seats lean back
Can´t see my chair
See my eyes reflect in the sky
I feel so divine givin´ thanks I´m alive
Cuz we came a long way since our days in the Ay
Sleepless nights was tryna get right
Now I just glide
Wind in my sails
I toast to the ocean
She balance my scales
West coastin´
Got the breeze at my left
Been leavin´ me ???
When life do you well
Stay focused
True indeed it´s a fact
When those hard times come love will bring you right back

When life brings trouble
You can fight or run away
I have no struggle
Relax watch me float away
I´m coastin´
I´m coastin´ on a dream
I´m coastin´
This one´s for you and me

Now some pop bottles some chase models
As if it´s all live primetime the Apollo
Mighty big pill too many can´t swallow
The pain got ´em trippin´ off things feelin´ hollow
Weight in my brain
Spittin´ my slang
Cuz I don´t wanna I don’t wanna go insane
I´m forward on my mission now I´m deep in the game
Got my speakers on blast while I´m switching the lanes
Stay low-pro kinfolk
Started out at Kinko´s
Ten years later out to Vegas on a G4
The seats bucket when we puff puff pass
Passports in my luggage got my beats on smash
Attitude of a winner that’s some VMA
So we feel like its summer anywhere that I lay
Ay You see ay till the day that we out
Stay strong through the struggle that´s what life is about

When life brings trouble
You can fight or run away
I have no struggle
Relax watch me float away
I´m coastin´
I´m coastin´ on a dream
I´m coastin´
This one´s for you and me

La la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la
La dee da
La la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la la
La dee da

..pause..

2010-03-13T13:34:00.003-06:00

Things haven't quite turned out as great as I had hoped for 2010 but that's the way life goes sometimes and I just have to "deal with it". Very few people know what I just lost meant to me and I'm not about to go and explain it to everyone that asks because they won't understand. It sucks and it hurts but there's nothing I can do other than give it time.. ugh, there's that word again. Time.

In this case, as much as I hate it I think it might be for the best. Maybe one day, I'll have her back. Maybe not. Time will tell but I have to take this time to readjust myself and my life.

It's no secret, I'm not happy with my job. I hate it and I hate certain people that work there. Over the last week, I have been so out of it and in a funk that I haven't done shit at work. In all honesty, I've sat there chatting the whole day away. Yeah.. you read that right.

I've been thinking a lot over the last few weeks, about everything. I've stressed out and pushed myself to the brink of a breakdown trying to get my shit in order. I NEED to go back to school and I NEED to set some goals for myself. With that said, I'll have to stop by my school and find out what I need to do to complete school there. I need a piece of paper, a certificate, something. Then I'll figure out where I'll transfer to so I can get a degree. At the same time, I want to go to school to be a pharmacist. Before I can decide what direction I want to take, I have to finish up whatever I started at Wright. Now is the time..

I realized that even though I wanted a girlfriend, I wasn't ready for one but I know I will once I get my life in check. How can I be happy with someone when I'm not happy with where I'm at in life? And so.. I throw a smile on my face, raise my head up high and hope for the best. It's not going to be easy, I know, that but it needs to be done.

Time will tell.. ha.. that fuckin word again..

Slowly..

2010-03-10T22:02:00.001-06:00

Ah Yes..

2010-03-09T20:47:00.004-06:00

Hello Mr. Time.

How I hate time and giving things time. I wish things were easier especially with things that mean a lot to me. I been trying to keep myself busy and pass the time doing things I don't normally do. I've been staying out after work and finding things to do but they only help so much. I'm happy having so many people this time around to help me stay in check. I also forgot about my second family, the many many people I've met off EJ8 Squad. They never had to be there for me, but they have and they're always looking out for me in one way or another. I'd like to thank those who had helped me keep my head above water.. What would I do without you all?

So time.. time heals all right? Sure.. but when you don't really know how you ended up where you were, it makes it harder to move on. I've tried to give some space but at the same time I'm worried that maybe its "too much" space. What if it looks like I don't care?

Similar things have happened with friendships and a relationship is no different.

So I'm walking this thin line.. very thin line between too much space and too little. It's driving me up a wall, no joke!

Moving on to happier things though. Usually, through tough times, I start blowing cash and this time is no different. It's official, #143 is finally getting a manual swap. I have quotes on parts and labor so its only a matter of moving forward with it. I do need to stop by the shop to get my options but hopefully everything will fall into place soon.

Hopefully everything else in life will fall into its place too. Somehow.

Still missing someone very much.. phew..

Yup..

2010-03-08T21:10:00.002-06:00

..365..

2010-03-05T23:17:00.003-06:00

A Sunny Hump Day

2010-03-03T08:58:00.002-06:00

Today I'm happy.. happy that the suns out. Today I'm sad.. sad because I feel that I'm losing someone I really care about.

Its an odd mix of emotions but I gotta stay strong. I had a bit of a mental breakdown yesterday at work. Let my feelings get in the way of work and I was given some time to breathe. I drove around for a bit and ended up by the lake.. my thinking spot. I used to go there back when I was having another one of life's problems but that was awhile ago. Now I'm here, in need of that place again to clear my mind of anything bad that keeps popping in there.

I'm trying to stay positive, that everything will be ok and that everything will work itself out but its hard when I don't know where I stand with the other person and I can't ask because it seems to be a touchy subject. I feel that even though I'm as much a part of the situation, I'm not being taken into consideration. I'm suffering.. everyday is a trial in my strength and I'm slowly starting to crumble. I know she's worth it, I know it but its hard when you have no idea what's going through their head.

I'm not one to jump into things, its not in my nature but this time I did and I'm emotionally paying the price for it. It felt so right that I never stopped to think but I don't regret it. For those few months, I felt alive! I felt loved and it felt good to mean something to someone again. It felt good to make someone smile. And it felt amazing the way she made me feel inside when we were together.

Things are definitely not over but I feel an emptiness in my heart. I lived so long knowing something was missing but I learned to live without it. When that piece came into my life, I felt complete for the first time in many, many years. I didntknow what I had done to stay afloat on my own for such a long time. I dropped my shield and let her in and here I am. I feel so alone again. Teased by cupid and heartbroken.

I want to be happy again. I want to smile everyday. I want my girl back =(

Three Sixty Five

2010-03-02T23:33:00.005-06:00

A Lonely Road..

2010-03-01T07:46:00.002-06:00

I80 is what I'll call the lonely road home. I've become acquainted with the 80 over the last couple of months and it never gets easier to drive on it. On the way to Depue, it feels like forever. It feels like I keep driving a straight line with no end in sight and on the way home I know I'm leaving behind someone very special. Its a weird love/hate relationship with this very boring stretch of highway.

Unfortunately it means that I have a good 45mins to think, and lately thinking isn't something I want to do. I'm happy but at the same time I'm not. I'm back to putting on a somewhat fake smile on my face and I think people are starting to notice. I'm trying to relax and stay calm but I can't. Thoughts flying through my head like crazy, good and bad. I try to stop them but I can't. Time alone seems to be fuel to the bad ones. I shouldn't be like this, there is nothing I should be worried or flippin out about but I am.

Sadly, this is me and I owe it to a mix of things in my life. All set off by one final event years ago. It sucks for me and it sucks for the people around me. Friends are left to deal with my constant ups and downs and others are left with my lack of trust. I'm straining friendships and a certain relationship and I'm constantly trying to adjust myself to stop but its in me, like some sort of disease. Its not who I want to be, I want to be that carefree kid of my younger days. I want to be free of this but I can't seem to shake it. I have to though, before I lose the people I care about especially the one that means the most.

And so here I am, surrounded by people once again but feeling so alone.

Constantly on that pursuit of happiness.. one day..

Ugh..

2010-02-24T06:59:00.002-06:00

What a way to end one day and start a new one..

I woke up today.. in what I can describe as a depressed state for some reason. I woke up at 5am and I mean wide awake! My anxiety was high and I wasn't feeling too good. Right now, as I type this, I still feel like I'm breaking down and I can't really put my finger on why but it sucks feeling like that.

The night itself ended well but immediately after falling asleep I had a nasty dream. What made it worse was that it was one of those, dreams within a dream dreams. You know, when you wake up in your dream but you're still dreaming. I was able to knock out again afterwards only to have one final dream before waking up an hour and a half earlier than usual. This was a happy dream and one that really put a smile on my face but all it did was miss someone more and maybe that's why I woke up feeling like I did. That quote about how absence makes the heart grow fonder is so true..

Unfortunately, I'm having flashbacks of years prior and I feel like I'm at the point of breaking down completely. I feel so alone even though I have people I can turn to. I thought I was stronger than this, I thought that I could make it through anything but obviously I was wrong. I can make it but I wasn't ready to fight another battle like this, especially one that I feel like I'm losing.

The feeling sucks.. when something is so close to being in reach but it feels so far away. I've thought about it and I can't stop fighting.. I just hope it doesn't destroy me in the process.

I wish life were easy, I wish that reaching our goals weren't so difficult and I wish I had what it takes to get through all of this.

I guess the plus side is that its Wednesday and it's almost time for the weekend. The down side is that its going to be a long weekend of fighting back emotions and possibly tears. I jumped into the deep end of the pool and getting out or swimming to the shallow end is hard.. and a big part of me doesn't want to move out of it at all.

Guess its time for work...

..Pardon My Dust..

2010-02-23T23:43:00.001-06:00

I think I found the template I'm going to work off of. Its a lot brighter than my last one to kinda make this place a bit more happier lol

I'll keep editing a few things here and there but I think it's set.. thoughts?

Free Pancake Day / Pic of the Day

2010-02-23T22:07:00.000-06:00

Let's Continue..

2010-02-22T22:32:00.003-06:00

Bare with me..

2010-02-22T19:32:00.000-06:00

I'll be trying to brighten up the blog over the next few days =)

FUCK!!!!!!

2010-02-21T10:53:00.002-06:00

Here we are again.. my heart is aching and I have to throw on that fake smile to fool people. It is true you know, that the best things in life are worth waiting for. It just sucks that I'm so afraid that I can't tell myself to wait even though I know I should take a step back and let things play out. I guess that's what happens when someone completely destroys your trust in them overnight. Everyone else in your life gets the short stick and struggle to get any trust from you. I ask myself a lot, why me?! I wouldn't change anything but at the same time I would love to change the way that I over think everything..

God help me..

Friday Night..

2010-02-19T20:17:00.002-06:00

And I'm sitting at home..

It's funny how quickly you get used to things no? I mean, for years, I spent the weekends by myself but when I have to do it now, I get anxiety for some stupid reason. Slowly, I'm able to keep it in check but it's still there for some reason. I remember this clearly.. that anxiety with a feeling of needing to do something but there's nothing to do! I got over it once but it took some time. I don't know why it's hit me so hard again especially after such a short period of time.

Oh well right? I'll deal with it..

Moving onto brighter things. Everything has been great! Other than the occasional crummy day at work, things have been going well. My days go by nicely and my evenings are always filled with smiles and laughs. Hopefully things continue like that..

Well.. I'm going to find something to keep me busy lol

365 Continued..

2010-02-19T19:14:00.014-06:00

I Love My Life..

2010-02-15T23:52:00.002-06:00

I promise I'll update the blog with my 365 pictures tomorrow, I've been lagging with it on here.. if you need your fix, head over to my Facebook to see it updated daily. I've missed two days because I've been sick, but it's been almost daily..

So I know that this blog needed a cheerier, more upbeat update than my last few and I figured today would be the best time to give that a shot. I stop and think sometimes of all the great things that have happened to me lately and I think.. Gah.. I love my life!

Its easy for us to forget about the good when the bad seems to overwhelm us. Take a look though, I'm sure you'll realize that there is more good in your life than bad. On my way home today, after spending the weekend in Depue, even through the snow and bad conditions on the 80, I thought to myself.. I wouldn't change this for anything. There are things in my life that have happened and I think to myself how things would be different had things gone differently..

But than that would mean that I probably wouldn't be here where I am now. Who's to say that had certain things gone a different way, that I would still have met the people I know today?

For that reason.. through the ups and downs.. I love where I am at right now and I wouldn't change a thing.

I thank God for every day he gives me.. and I thank him for everything and everyone I had in my life..

I'm my worst own enemy..

2010-02-12T07:19:00.002-06:00

Its no secret that I've got some trust issues but if I don't start to control them I'm going to begin a very downhill path that I don't want to take. I jump to conclusion and think of the worse.. why? I try not to and I'm getting better at it but at the same time I know that its not fast enough! It takes time but some times it feels like you've been working on it forever.

I pray hard for some help but it seems like its one for me to figure out. One of those, "its best you got at this alone" so that I know how to get through it all in the future. I know its not fair to her to be in her business and for me to "accuse" but I can't steer away from it. I have, but obviously not enough. I'm an idiot.. I don't think the "you're only human" excuse works here.

I wish I could hit a reset button on my brain.. why's life gotta so friggin rough?

A back and forth battle..

2010-02-04T19:08:00.003-06:00

In my mind, for some reason, I feel like my time is running out. Not just my life, but everything within my life. I struggle daily with settling my mind and just letting things run their course. Change is really hard for me, I get into this groove and its hard for me to get out of it and that's with everything.. Not just this or that.

I try.. I really do try to relax and take things as they come but I can't for some reason and I struggle daily. I want to, I really do want to just go through the motions like I used to but I can't. I'm tired of making excuses because no matter what, I just can't fix it. Its always there! Its frustrating and to a point depressing..

I pray, I pray hard to maybe one day just completely let go. I want to be free of this curse. My mind never stops moving, I rarely have that moment of pure relaxation. When I do, I don't want to let it go but I can't hold onto it as much as I try. That relaxed feeling has been there often lately but at the same time it's made my anxiety even worse it seems.

Gah.. I don't even know what to do anymore. I need to find some peace in this hectic world. I found something, but before I can be completely there for her I need to figure out my own issues.

Life.. why can't you be simple? Even when I'm happy, I'm uneasy..

Dunks y0!

2010-02-03T22:17:00.001-06:00

So fresh and so clean..

2010-02-02T23:42:00.001-06:00

Three Hundred Sixty-Five

2010-02-01T19:34:00.002-06:00

I got this idea from another blog..

I figured it would be cool to go through a year snapping pictures and then look back at the end of the year to see where I had been. So with that being said..

And so six months later........

2010-01-30T10:59:00.002-06:00

After a few trips to Depue and getting uber shitty gas mileage, I caved it and bought a replacement o2 sensor. I've had the CEL on since D1 in August. I can't believe its been that long! I'll have to compare the gas mileage on my next road trip, hopefully that bumps it up a little. I've also been traveling with an annoying exhaust leak that was fixed today too. Its so nice to have a car that sounds nice again.

Go figure that the first car update of 2010 is a maintenence one. Its appropriate though, poor car gets neglected during the winter. I haven't washed it since probably November. The salts been on there since the first little snow fall. Its got salt on there from Chicago to Depue and back. And not just one trip either, quite a few.

Oh well though... next time it warms up, I'll wash it.

Roses are red..

2010-01-28T22:58:00.002-06:00

Have you ever met somebody that will love you like I do
I'm going crazy, crazy for you
and have you ever loved somebody that would give it all for you
I'm going crazy, crazy for you

I've always been by myself
lived life by myself
never cared for solitude
just cared for the wealth
steady stackin
never slackin
with no time to be wastin
while these other dudes chasin broads
I was chasin their paper
but then (but then) came you (came you)
and it was over baby
I was going crazy for you
and I ain't felt this way in a minute
and I ain't gonna lie to you ma
this shit I'm starting to dig it for real

everything about you is what I like about you
I go crazy and I lose my mind
trade my world and I'd give my life

cuz it feels so right

[Chorus]

and every day you make it clear that you don't want to be replaced
just by them little things you do, just by them little things you say
five years done past and we done went through some drama
from court dates to miscarriages to you losing your mama
but now (but now) I see (I see)
that you're my one and only
baby oh I'm going crazy
I can't eat (I can't eat) I can't sleep (I can't sleep) no more, no more
it's like I toss and turn at night
memories ease my pain
I keep hearing you laughin, screamin, callin my name
then my eyes open wide
and I see you ain't there
then the joy from the music turn to a permanent tear of ink

[Chorus]

my only sanity in these walls
is just the thought of you
paradise up in my mind
just for a second or two
but then it's gone
and I gotta go too
because I changed my ways ma
I'm coming home to you, for real

[Chorus]

Stupidity..? Determination..? Love..?

2010-01-24T21:03:00.004-06:00

What is it that drives us to "build" a car? Most of us have put tons of money into a car but for what reasons? When something breaks or goes wrong why do we continue to push forward?

I've met tons of car people over the last 5yrs and it still amazes me the lengths that we all go to to make our cars, truly ours. Once it's there though, the constant ups and downs of having a modded car truly test our what?

What is it about our cars? Why do we always push forward with them even after the trials we go through to get there and continue?

Last night, I took Stephanie back home after having her here for 2wks. Its going to be rough going back to being by myself again. Waking up in the morning with someone there next to you is just.. a great feeling! Coming home to a smile is also something that made my heart beat off the charts. Going back to a lonely bed and going back to coming home to an empty room will definitely take some adjusting to. One day though.. one day.. =)

Before leaving Chicago, we stopped by Fizz to pick up some air fresheners. The entrance looked alright to me but I hit something pretty hard. I have to jack up the car tomorrow night and take a look. There's a strong smell of something burning when I accelerate quickly but other than that the car seems to be fine. I took the hit with stride.. why freak out? I've done worse. But the question is why continue with a slammed car? What is in it for me to continue..?

Once we got back to Depue, we took Stephanie's car out for a spin. With everything going on, and with a squealing belt, we mobbed around town for a bit but I could tell it eased her mind a bit.. I know that feeling well, very very well.

So back to the question.. why do we build a car? After all is set and done, what's in it for us? Is it stupidity that makes us push forward even when things seem to be impossible? Is it determination? Is it love?

Or is it the satisfaction of driving the car through its different stages?

Sometimes, all I need is to drive my car around for a bit to get my mind off things. Even if its dirty and sounds like its like crap with an exhaust leak, it still eases my mind. I've rode in tons of modded cars and the owner always has a look of happiness in their eyes. Its different seeing that in the eyes of someone you care about so much. I can't really put my finger on it but her being happy makes me happy.......

Is it stupidity? Not even.. Is it determination? That's for sure.. Is it love? You better believe it..

But most of all.. its the satisfaction of the build. The feeling you get from driving your pride and joy makes everything worth it.

I continue to look forward to 2010 for so many different reasons. I can't even begin to explain the feeling..

Where Did January Go?

2010-01-20T09:23:00.001-06:00

Its crazy how time is flying. We're almost done with the first month of the year! At this rate, it'll be New Years 2011 in no time.

2010 has been real good so far. I've signed my contract for my VB Motorsport sponsorship and things have been going great with a certain someone. Of course, there is still this thing called work which has really been dragging down my happiness. Its been a stressful few weeks. Tons of changes coming up for this year and they're all for the "better" but I still don't see an increase in that check. Cost of everything is going up and I'm still getting paid at 2006 rates, shit. The conversation will come up, but I have to time it right.

So far, this year has been a real learning experience and a reminder that I'm not exactly as strong as I had hoped. "Relax" has been mentioned to me but in my gittery mind I can't seem to. Thoughts fly through my head like comets flying through space, quickly and with very little chance of catching them. I've realized that I kinda need to switch off my mood button. One thing I didn't catch, but another one from this morning I did catch and for that I would like to apologize.. I'll do it when I get home. I mean I gotta watch what I say.. I hate hurting people's feelings and this person means a lot to me. I don't want to hurt them..

Other than that, things have been the same ol same ol. I'm hoping things will only get better this year. I think a lot of us are due for a good year.

Stay Calm.. Carry On..

2010-01-07T18:34:00.002-06:00

Sometimes.. I lack the skill of staying calm. Doing too much? That's me..

One would think I had learned my lesson but nope, it's apparent I haven't and I can tell you that I better start now before I find myself regretting it down the line.

..Stay Calm and Carry On..

3 Down.. 362 to Go..

2010-01-03T23:48:00.002-06:00

Happy New Years everyone!

It seems like the amount of visits I've gotten has jumped a bit.. I wish I could see where they're all coming from haha.

Anyway, started off the new year in style by pretty much blacking out from too much vodka. Yup, time for me to retire vodka from my alcohol list. Fortunately, it doesn't sound like I got TOO crazy but stupid enough for me to be a bit embarrassed but whatever. Shit happens I guess?

My vacation was a much needed time away from work. At first, I thought I was going to spend much of it at home but instead I actually ended up elsewhere. I was pretty much away from home from Tuesday until Saturday. Where was I? Middle of nowhere but I had a great time. I spent lots of time with someone special and her friends and family. It was really nice to get away and spend time with some cool people. Thanks again Stephanie for the great time =)

But now.. I'm back home and I got work to go to tomorrow. Fuck, I don't mind being home but work. That damn work.. I'm sure tons of things changed over the week and a certain someone will have had dozens of GREAT IDEAS! For fuck sake..

Buuuuuuuuuuuuut. So far, 2010 has been great. I'm giddy with excitement to get his year going.

Goodbye 2009...... Hello.. 2010..

2009-12-30T21:03:00.003-06:00

Well..

I can't say that 2009 has been a bad year. On the contrary, it's been a fairly good year with the usual ups and downs that go along with life. That doesn't mean that I'm not looking forward to closing the 2009 chapter and beginning the 2010 chapter of my life.

I think, that it is fairly safe for me to say that 2010 will be a great year with it showing a lot of promise already.

To begin with.. I'm talking to a lovely lady. I haven't been this happy, honestly, I don't think I ever have. With all the bullshit going on around me at work and with other personal things, she has kept me afloat and has been there for me. Her alone, makes me giddy with excitement for next year.

Next.. I've become sponsored by the EJ8 Squad website sponsor. It's an honor to have someone think so highly of my car. I know people have liked my car, but it's something different for someone to tell you "hey, I think we can get some exposure with your car." type of thing you know? This will take my car to a level that I have only dreamed of. First order of business.. get rid of that sluggish transmission. An LS motor would be ideal, but that's not meant to be for this car I think.

Finally.. I'm looking into a few different options for school. One major change needs to definitely happen in 2010. That is me leaving my job.. I won't say much but I'm not thrilled with the direction of where it's going and I know that I need to cut it off to go back to school. Time to get serious about life no?

I'll be partying it up with my special lady and her friends and family for New Years Eve. Hopefully everyone has their plans set. Be safe everyone and I look forward to more posts in the coming year.

Merry Christmas =)

2009-12-24T18:46:00.002-06:00

It's been a long time since I've looked forward to a Christmas, no joke. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy to see Christmas here. Merry Christmas to all the blog followers and to all my friends and family. I can't believe the year is almost over. I can't believe 2010 is almost here.

Much love!
-Erick

Is it too early..?

2009-12-20T23:02:00.002-06:00

To say that 2010 is starting to shape up pretty well?

I don't think so.. and I can honestly say that it looks like 2010 is going to be great. I have a lot planned already and other things that have fallen in place. I won't say much but if you know me, you already know what's up. I'll wait till it gets closer to January 1st to say anything... but expect a lot of updates in the coming year.

I would also like to thank everyone that follows this blog. It means a lot.. for real..

Part 2

2009-12-17T23:45:00.002-06:00

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thing
Rollin the Midwest side and out livin’ my life getting’ out dreams
People told me slow my road I'm screaming out fuck that
Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall if I die know I lived it to the fullest
if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.

Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies
tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good

I'm on the pursuit of happiness. I know everything that shines ain't always gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good

I'm on the pursuit of happiness
And I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold, hey
I'll be fine once I get it, yeah
I'll be good

Pursuit of happiness, yeah
I don’t get it, I’ll be good

Blog Entry for 12/14/09

2009-12-14T00:35:00.003-06:00

Why's my face feel funny? Must be because I keep laughing and smiling haha

I love my life.. I've been meaning to post a much more upbeat blog entry for some time but I always get too busy or something ruins my high spirits. So here is my happy blog post.. peal away the bullshit, the daily hardships and what do I get? A life that I'm happy I'm living..

Good friends and family.. and those few, great people that really help me get through my days =)

pursuit of happiness..?

2009-12-10T22:38:00.002-06:00

Kind of interesting how I stumble onto songs when they seem appropriate..

feeling out of it..

2009-12-07T00:00:00.002-06:00

Not sure why but I've been feeling in a funk over the last few days for some reason.. hopefully I can snap out of it already, its getting annoying haha

Anyway.. like before, nothing new to update other than more Forza 3 pictures..

herra srow no?

2009-12-02T22:26:00.003-06:00

Been seriously lacking updates in here but the fact is... uh... nothings new. shit..

I mean, the highlight lately has been my recent shopping spree which netted two hella sweet RoyaleFam hoodys, a RoyaleFam baseball tee which I need to lose weight again to fit into, a pair of mad comfy Nike Blazer Low Hybrids and a interesting coat from Macy's during Black Friday weekend. What's funny is that everything kind of worked to slightly refresh the wardrobe haha

Anyway, I mentioned the weight thing again. Yep, I gained to heft again and I've started the Erick starve yourself and exercise like mad program once again though toned down this time around. I'm going to try and have a bigger breakfast and then a smaller lunch of a sandwich and salad. Then dinner will be a basic meal of a salad and probably some fruit. Of course, I'll be biking throughout the week with some weight lifting thrown in there as well. It's more or less the same exact thing I did a few years back but less intense. I remember me being super friggin hungry for about a week before I could somewhat adjust. Then it was two weeks of being hungry and finally after a month just being hungry from time to time. We'll see if I can stick to it, I sure hope so...

Other than that.. it's all pretty much the same. Work, work and more work.. not fun.. not one bit..

somethings missing..

2009-11-21T23:31:00.003-06:00

Work is draining the hell out of me.. I'm exhausted, and all of the loss of sleep isn't helping. You ever stay awake because you don't WANT to go to sleep? Almost like you feel that you haven't really made the most of the day so you stay awake longer? Its hard to explain really.. I stay up browsing the internet and talking to people but I'm not sure what I'm going to accomplish with that other than exhausting my body even more. I need time off, for real. I'm not talking about a day or two either.. I'm hoping that the few days off coming up will help me as long as I can gain some of my sleep back. We'll see though.. most of the time I try and cram as much as I can into those few days and come out even more tired. If I stay home, I feel like I wasted the time off.. it's a lose-lose situation for me mentally really..

Not to mention that I was hoping I would meet someone already. I hate being alone for the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy spending time with friends and family over the holidays but some warmth from someone would be great. Fuck, how about a hug? lol I'm such a loser..

So anyway.. figured I would share some more of my Forza 3 goodness.

Sad how this is what I spend my time doing nowadays..

Missing summer already..

2009-11-20T22:27:00.002-06:00

Been meaning to update this for some time now but I haven't had the chance to. Nothing much new, just the usual work work and more work. Thanksgiving is coming up next week, should be fun.. yet interesting seeing as how my aunt is coming in from LA to visit. That's always um.. fun..

And then..?

Welcome to the holidays. Boy.. this year flew by I'm not even playing. I'm missing the summer though, I've been driving my car daily again but its not the same without the wheels. Of course, I've run into a ton of modded car lol It seems like I own the road when my car is fully modded but once I start pulling parts off for the winter, everyone else comes out of the woodwork. Oh well....

Aside from that, everything is pretty much the same. I continue to say I need to sign up for school yet I haven't. I keep saying I need a new job but can't find anything. Too late now though, seasonal positions are probably filled. Work, by the way, fuckin blows. I hate my job.. for real. I don't hate what I do, I hate doing it for this company. Everything is so ass backwards and this new sorry ass boss spends more time sending emails and trying to pin shit on me than working its fucking ridiculous. Gah, would it kill you to do some fucking work sometime?

I did, however, change up the tunes in my player. A few random things but otherwise some chilled out stuff. That reminds me, I need some new music for driving.. I've been listening to the same Kanye garbage for the last few months. That reminds me, I need to get some speakers to balance out those subs in the trunk.

Oh.. and to those who read this, and also the reason why I'm not updating as frequently is the fact that I get home and fired up the 360 to play some Forza 3 or Modern Warfare 2 lol if you're ever online, hit me up. I'm on MW2 fairly often with a group.. gamertag: hkt03
I know.. very original..

word.

2009-11-06T22:39:00.001-06:00

DRIFT SILVERSTONE 2008 HD from Clashproduction on Vimeo.

here we go again..

2009-11-03T00:04:00.002-06:00

For the past few days, I've realized some unusual headaches.. yeah, that blood pressure issue snuck up on me again. I got back on the stationary bike for a half hour to sweat a little. I'll turn up the time and intensity over the next few days, helps bring down the blood pressure and get me into shape a bit. I'm running out of air going up the stairs, can't have that..

So I'm getting ready to go back to stock soon and say goodbye to my few month old 5zigens lol
I'm looking into a far more aggressive set up overall for next year. Going for car show status.
Fuck the haters.

Other than that.. Forza 3 owns my time. Sad..

untitled 5.0

2009-10-25T22:56:00.003-05:00

It was an interesting week without the ex-coworker at work. I've crept back into my whole and would prefer to be left alone but I'm being interrogated every minute of the day. I'm thinking, "thanks for thinking I know everything" but I don't so you need to stop..

Other than that, it was surprisingly slow as fack this week for some reason.

And then the weekend.. another failed attempt at Green Velvet due to sleeping issues lol I even got the key to my mom's car and I knocked out cold around 10. That did help me get up for the following morning though. Another great JDMC meet and this one had Roaring Lion hahaha

Spent the day out there chilling with the usual folks and then went home to rest. I think it's time to retire my Hosoi's, they're beat and walking in them hurts now. They still look good but they're getting uncomfortable. I need another pair of beaters, all of my shoes are mostly suede so they're screwed in the rain. I'll have to get a pair of something for the winter.

Today was good.. I think I've decided that I do need to head to Mexico next summer. I'm thinking for 3 or 4 weeks. I have some catching up to do out there. I found out that my aunt and uncle were here from Mexico and they came over today. I haven't seen them in 15yrs! I walked into the living room and was so friggin thrilled to see them. I didn't even shake my uncle's hand, just straight into a hug hahaha

I want to go back next year for sure, I'll need to touch up my Spanish big time! haha

I also took advantage of Best Buy's buy 2 games and get the 3rd one free. Finally got Gran Turismo 5: Prologue and Metal Gear Solid 4. I also picked up Dead Space for the 360. I also finally grabbed an HDMI cable for my PS3. Sweet! haha

Just a little update I guess.. can you spot my car?

anxiety.. boredom..

2009-10-19T00:00:00.003-05:00

Today was not my day.. I can't really explain it but I woke up on the wrong side of the bed but not really. It was one of those days where you want to be alone but you want to do something but there's nothing to do if you get what I mean. I woke up early for some reason, showered and got ready to watch the Formula One Brazilian Grand Prix. That ended and the fam left me at home. Bored, I went out for a quick drive to 7-11 where I found out that the Domokun straws were all gone. I got back home and fired up Forza 2 and there went the rest of my day pretty much.

I tried watching the Bears game but for some reason I was, and still am, anxious. I'm not really sure why, but I am. I can tell you that I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow as I'm now left alone with the new boss which I hate. But something tells me that's not why I'm anxious and honestly I have no real clue why I am. Could be something to do with being so friggin bored on a nice day and not having anywhere to go. I was going to wash my car but I opted against it. Probably a good thing since the gangbangers down the street were out test driving their EG which I have a feeling now has the motor out of the Del Sol that's sitting on the corner completely stripped. What a place to live..

I decided to play some more Forza 2 when I couldn't sit still to watch the game but I got bored of it quick so I played some GTA4 but that also lost me quick. So what's next you say? I fired up the PS3 and played some Gran Turismo 2 and Ridge Racer 4. Yeah, I'm that bored.. but that only lasted a few races each..

So what the hell is going on? I can't really tell.. all I know is that it sucks.

I also know that I need a vacation. I need to get away and probably should do that by myself. I need to clear my mind and somewhat restart myself fresh. I feel like that kid that wants to do everything in life but doesn't know where to begin. Shit, I am that kid to be honest. I have a plan, but I'm dragging ass to execute it. Someone, please push me already...

Months of F1 watching.. I've grown fond of this commercial, but I can't find it in English so Japanese will do.

Also a highlight of my weekend, a picture with the ladies at the Hawks game.

Flying Lizard Vs Corvette Racing

2009-10-13T23:22:00.001-05:00

My two favorite GT2 teams playing rough at Laguna Seca.

Madventures Dorifto!!!!1!11!!!!

2009-10-12T23:02:00.001-05:00

wait.. where am I going again?

2009-10-08T00:55:00.002-05:00

The bullshit at work continues.. I don't do anything once I get out from work but I always seem to forget to continue looking for another job. I've also decided that I'll get into the Pharmaceutical thing. I've talked about it for years and finally someone convinced me, what better time than now no??

I'm starting to get that nasty feeling in me again from being alone and for not really doing shit. I said something today and on the inside I did an emo face.. I'm happy by myself but at the same time it would be nice to have someone to be with it even it wasn't super serious. I've lost most of my lady friends just from living busy lives (I know what you're probably thinking is that I've said something stupid to them but I honestly haven't).

Its the fall blues maybe.. time is closing in on having to replace my suspension with my stock stuff again and to set the wheels aside, possibly for the last time. I've done so much and met so many cool people over the last few months but I feel like I haven't done everything I wanted to this year. The funny thing is that the car has been sitting in my garage for 2wks now. There's so much construction that I don't take it to work and the only time I've driven it is to the JDMC meets. Its funny.. I'll hop in the car, pull it out of the garage and I feel free.......

It kind of takes me back to some late ass night convos I had with ecks years ago about what it meant to me. I've caught myself watching the rolling video over and over just thinking about the joy and freedom I feel driving my car. Its not much, but its a lot to me. I would love to put it away for the winter and get a beater but that's just not possible with my sorry ass savings.

I wish I had some goods news and maybe even a cheery blog post but I don't. About the only happy time I get is that feeling of a hot cup of coffee in my hand on a chilly morning but that quickly fades when I realize where I'm usually heading for and once I get there, I'm already ready to lose my mind. I find myself craving a cigarette more now that before.. Actually, I think my itch for a drink is stronger. I thought about heading to the bar tomorrow before the meet but all attempts and finding people to go with me failed so I guess I'll skip that part lol

Anyway.. its 1am and I should be sleeping. 5hrs of sleep here I come!

T2 Films @ D1

2009-10-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

d1 chicago from Tim Tulov on Vimeo.

see if you can spot me haha

kings of leon,,

2009-09-30T22:00:00.000-05:00

Someone needs to help me find this friggin song..

sigh..

2009-09-28T00:01:00.002-05:00

Pulled the car out of the garage today for a bit.. Looks like the good times are done for this year. I gotta start fixing the problems so my money goes to that from here until they're all fixed. I gotta check my suspension too, its starting to feel bouncy.. Not Ksport bouncy but bouncy nonetheless.

Oh well.. tomorrow is another lovely day at work. Have I mentioned I'm starting to really hate my job? I like the help but I hate the lack of trust people suddenly have. Let me remind you.. I ran the department for months. The fact that it fell apart IS NOT my fault. You leave one person to run a company's Customer Service and you're asking for it. I don't know, I didn't need to take a business class to know that CS is one of the most important departments in a company. Duh..

Anyway.. hopefully the next post will be a little more uplifting yeah?

risky..

2009-09-22T22:59:00.003-05:00

Maybe I'm playing that adjective out no?

Meh..

Well.. had scare #948398598348589054 today driving home from work. Chicago decided lets reinforce the manhole cover areas on this street we're fixing. Let me remind you.. the "do not park" signs stated that this project would take a week. Here we are on week #4. And I still don't see them finally paving this damn thing yet. Instead, the manhole covers are a tad bit higher and I fuckin hit one hard. I still can't find what part of my car actually hit it but I'm guessing it was my resonator..

The good news?

I popped my hood after smelling burning oil and come to find out I've been leaking oil from under my valve cover and I'm hella low on oil. I feel stupid.. anyway, going to the Honda dealership to pick up some supplies. I'm feeling risky so I'm tempted to buy a Honda oil filter, Honda oil and Honda valve cover gasket. Baller? No.. only the best for this champ hahaha

Oh yeah..a pic for those of you who haven't forgotten what my car looks like..