sometimes..

..there are things that are just in front of your face..

time to shuffle some priorities.

sleepless nights..

You know, life hurts sometimes. It sucks when you've dug yourself into a hole.. been doing some calculations in my head and I think its time to call the modding quits. I've hinted to it before, but its really time for me to get serious about my life and I'm only holding money in the car. Granted, I can't get rich off any parting out, but I know I'm going to need extra cash in the coming months.

I've been looking for someone to talk to over the last couple of weeks but haven't been able to find anyone. Life scares me.. the unknown of it all. Now, its worse than ever knowing that I'm getting close to 30 and have yet to accomplish anything or be able to stand on my own two feet. Sometimes, the weight of it all crushes me. I want to give everything I have to things, but I can't. Getting laid off almost 2yrs ago was a blessing and a curse, both at the same time. A blessing because it gave me the opportunity to do things I wanted to do since I got out of high school. A curse because I got lost in all that. I lost sight of what I really should have been doing. I've let my parents down and most importantly, I've let myself down.

Really.. what am I doing? I want to cry, but I can't! I'm too angry at myself. I haven't been sleeping much lately, mainly because of my fuck ups but because it seems to be haunting me in my dreams now. I sleep, but spend the night dreaming. The sad part is that its dreams of just daily life, whether its good or bad. All of it stemming from the amount of stress I've put myself into this past couple of weeks. I wish someone would hear me out but I know no one will. I've been here, done this, done that. I should know by now.

And so.. I stay up.. sitting in my room.. in my parents basement.. knowing full well where I went wrong and wishing I could go back and do it over.

Happy New Year!

Sorry that I've been MIA.. the new year is here and well, its been an interesting start.

Partied a little too hard and spent the first day completely hung over. Phew! Honestly, I can't complain and I really shouldn't. Yes, I'm stressed out but it could be worse.. way worse. I was blessed with a part time job back in June and I've been able to prove that I'm willing to work and able to do more than just oil changes. With the new year here, and my unemployment done, I hope to get some more days and a little more money. There is where the stress comes in.. I don't have that money coming in, and now I'm making less than what I was making on unemployment.. It hurts. Coming from working full-time making some decent bank, to here is hard. It could be worse though.. I could have NO income coming in.

Word to the wise.. keep your credit cards in check. Unfortunately, they got a little much over my unemployed period. I'm struggling to get a footing. Of course, with always perfect timing, my car is having issues too.. surprise, surprise! And with everything piling up, I've spent a couple of quiet nights contemplating things.

School is a must.. I'm pretty certain auto mechanic will be what I chose to do. In the back of my mind, pharmaceutical is still telling me its the best choice. See.. this is the type of shit that needed to be clicking in high school, what the fuck happened?

I've also found myself spending money on unnecessary things again.. I'm thinking about selling a majority of my shoe collection. Most of them are just sitting there collecting dust. I could also use the money to pay off some of my debt.

Other than all that jazz.. things are on the up and up lol believe it or not..

ah yes.. the holidays..

At first, I was a little upset that the stores started throwing up Christmas stuff before Halloween.. but now, I'm getting into the spirit. Can't say I'm thrilled to drop money on presents, but I am looking forward to the spirit of the holidays. We'll see how these go this year. Thanksgiving is already shaping up to be a iffy one haha

Oh.. Starbucks.. where's my egg nog latte??

#143

Years ago, when I bought my '00 Civic, had you asked me if I thought it would be where its at now, I probably would have laughed at you. Yet, here we are.. automatic swapped out for manual, lowered on its second set of coilovers, on probably my 10th set of wheels..

Nothing is for certain for 2012.. there's a possibility that nothing will change or that it goes to stock and there's a possibility of it sitting on those Eurolines you can check out in the previous post. Who knows.. right now, nothing is for sure.

maybe..

..just maybe..

..retrospective..

Some days its hard not to regret where I'm at in life.. I look back and look over the path I've taken and ask myself why. I know why I made the decisions that have brought me here but was it worth it all, in the end? My priorities have been blurred since before I left high school. Even now, they aren't in order. A couple of things hit me over the last couple of days and an anxiety grew over me. I need to get my life in order, but like I have always been, I'm afraid of the things I give up in the process.

I'm scared of where life has yet to take me and where this path I chose is leading me to. I knew what I was doing when I was let go from Fantasy, but little did I know that not much progress would be made. There is this change I want to make but can't.. a change that would settle me into another chapter of my life.

You know, I always talk about this pursuit of happiness and here it is again. Things would have been different had I taken college seriously and forced myself through it. Right now, I could have had something going. Who's to know though, maybe I would have just had a paper and no actual career. None of that can be changed though, and so I'm forced to make due with the hand that I dealt myself. I know I need to get a job soon and I'll have to decide what path to take when I go back to school and I need to do this all sooner than later. I can't slack anymore.. but you want to know why I have? Fear of losing someone,something and having to put priorities in check.

Plain and simple, I can easily lose someone close to my heart by making myself too busy. I'm afraid of that, more than I originally thought. Along with that person, is that chance of losing something. That odd life that feels so.. comfortable.. and then there are priorities. I prided myself with being somewhat a step ahead in the car thing. Maybe its time to close this chapter, take a break, and open the new chapter once everything has settled?

Things would have been different had I made a different choice after I was let go from work but I made the choices I did and here I am. Where I go from here, I'm not too sure but I've put it off long enough.

Looking back at everything.. I think of how things could have been different and think of how my life would have changed had I done things differently. Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things but I can't.